For the longest time, I struggled with severe depression contrasted by episodes of hypomania, and for an even longer time, I was ashamed of it. I have never been proud of the reckless person I become in episodes of hypomania, and because of that shame, I felt very alone. As a high-masking autistic person, even in my worst and most horrible moments I was somehow able to conceal from most people how wretched and insane I felt. Highschool parties became fuel for the fire of hypomania, and these false feelings of freedom and happiness made me a different person. I did whatever I could just to try and feel something other than empty.

That’s the truth. I know I made mistakes and probably hurt people just to try and feel good about myself, but I always got hit with depressive episodes lower than ever once the episode was over. It took a lot of time, and work, and changes in my life to get my mental health to the good place I am now. The mental illness never goes away, but it really does get better. I promise.

I’ve never really been this honest about my experience with manic depression, but music did what it does best and it healed me. I’ve met people who have experienced the same things as me and came out the other side. That is the thing that changed my perspective and eased a lot of my self-hatred; I met truly good people who made mistakes that don’t define who they are. That’s what I love about the human condition – and this rollercoaster of a life – because time moves forward and we grow. We are not defined by our trauma or our mis-steps, but rather how we choose to move forward and put goodness back into the world.

MANIC!!! doesn’t appear to be an emotionally complex track at all on the surface, but for anyone who has experienced anything in the realms of what I have, it just hits different. I originally wrote a song called Mania as a sad little piano ballad which got lost in a pile of songwriting books, but it was uncovered in an impromptu songwriting session with my dear friend Seetali. It was one of those days where I just needed to get things OUT, but Seetali gave me an avenue to get things out in a new way. Being a self-taught singer songwriter, I often feel limited by my instrumental skill when writing which usually means my emotions come out through a piano ballad because it’s what I know best. It’s comfortable, but Seetali gave me the room to go to new places with songwriting (she’s just a fantastic guitarist like holy shit). 

Our method of songwriting together works so well because we have a perfectly opposite set of strengths. Seetali is fantastic with chords, melodies, and instrumentation, and I come in with the lyrics, narrative, and symbolism. This is not the case 100% because Seetali is also a fantastic songwriter and I can whip out some nice melodies here and there but we really balance each other out so perfectly.

Basically, MANIC!!! came about because Seetali looked at my shitty little piano song and said “there’s something there but scrap like, the other 99% of the song”. I still remember how fun it was writing MANIC!!! And the excitement that came with each new lyric (I’ll never forget Seetali’s face when I came up with “now I’m damaged from a fairytale that ended kinda tragic” cause we were stuck on that line for sooooo long). In the moment, I felt carefree and safe writing about something I had felt so ashamed of, but Seetali had my back (as always) and helped me make a song I’m really proud of.

I like to think of the song as a very dramatised, blase, carefree, and almost satirical expression of what it’s like to really be…MANIC!!! It’s loud and fast and so gritty and powerful and it really consumes you for 2 minutes before it’s just over. It’s a song that I can sing along to with a smile on my face and dance to when I perform it on stage and it just feels SO GOOD to be able to play it every show knowing that I got through that shit. It’s a song I can put on to just let loose and have fun; this time with mental clarity and without the inevitability of a severe pit of depression. This song makes me feel happy and resilient and like such a bad bitch!

Plus, being my first song after turning 18 and becoming a whole ass adult (??), it just feels right to also be the first explicit song I’ve ever released. Like, yeah I said the “fuck” word a bunch and it felt GREAT and SO CATHARTIC. And maybe the reason why this song is so magnetic and resonates with so many people is because it simply does feel good to just shout and say “fuck” and let it alllllllllllll out every once in a while. In moderation and responsibly, of course.

Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling but it’s just hard for me to wrap my head around everything lately. It’s unbelievable that whenever I think I’ve stopped hitting goals, I just keep heading up and experiencing things I always dreamed about. Such as, having a full room and OVER 100 PEOPLE ATTEND THE MANIC!!! SINGLE LAUNCH!!!???! Like, no way over 100 people care enough about me and my music that they’d buy a ticket and spend their day enjoying music with ME. It’s still so crazy to think about. It’s actually embarrassing how often I rewatch the videos and smile at my phone like an idiot. I just hope you guys keep showing up for me like this because putting together headlining shows like that one is *the* best part of my job. I have never had so much fun on stage – truly – because all I could do was look at all the beautiful faces in the crowd and smile uncontrollably as you sang my songs along with me. I kept breaking character in emotional songs because how can I keep a straight face when I know I’m exactly the person I always wanted to be. As a kid, I wanted to be like me right now when I grew up, and I swear my heart grew 3 sizes in the bergy bandroom on the 6th of April, 2025, because I know I made baby Kaiyah proud. 

ADHD is really doing its thing today and I’ve gone on so many tangents and written far more than expected, but I guess my stream of consciousness just had some things to say. To sum it up and conclude before I get carried away (again), thank you. Thank you for giving me a space to be me. Thank you for making my shows a place where everyone in that room, no matter what, is respected, cared for, and loved. And finally, thank you for giving a shit about me and my music because this is everything I’ve ever needed and wanted all wrapped in a beautiful burrito of queer and neurodiverse music lovers who chose to love me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Now go blast MANIC!!! and yell, swear, and dance a bit. It really is the best medicine <3

(For legal reasons I must clarify that it is not actual medicine. I’m looking at you autistic people in the *metaphorical* room. But, it does do something good for the soul, even if it’s only for 2 minutes.)